Is It Desperate to Ask Out Again if She Didnt Reply

Non Interested in Dating Someone? Only Say So.

Michael South. Sorensen

FYI, I'one thousand non formally educated or licensed every bit a therapist, counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional person, though much of what I teach is informed by these. Curious nearly my groundwork? Read my bio.

Also, I utilise affiliate links when recommending books or products. These requite me a small commission if you use them to make a purchase, at no boosted cost to you. Cheers for your back up.

I've made information technology a goal to go out on at to the lowest degree 1 date per week for the past couple of years, and in doing so, have met hundreds of fantastic people. More often than not, these are first dates, and only first dates. Every once in a while, though, I meet a woman who I'd similar to go along dating. And every once in a while, she ends up feeling the same way and it turns into a great human relationship. (Sweet.)

I also get the occasional adult female that I'thou interested in, who doesn't show the same interest in me. (Not and so sugariness.) And yet, that's dating. I don't go too broken up almost information technology.

In those instances, however, there is one thing I wish were unlike: that people would be more direct when they're simply not interested.

Walking the line.

We equally men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of being the confident, manly human being who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go for it, without condign the desperate, needy man who can't take a hint.

What makes walking this line so difficult, though, is the fact that some women play difficult-to-go in hopes that the homo volition pursue her harder, while others play hard-to-get in hopes that the man will "get the hint" and leave them alone!

See any issues here?

Over the years, I've learned to non brand assumptions. If I'1000 getting mixed signals, I'll but ask her where she's at. I'll exist honest with my hopes (e.g. "Hey, I savor spending time with you lot, and would like to keep getting to know you") and requite them an out if they're not feeling the same way (e.g. "and yet, if you're not interested, zero hard feelings. I'd just like to know where you're at.")

When I've had that conversation, some women tell me that they're just not interested (neat—no more guessing), while others acknowledge they are interested, but have been playing hard-to-get considering "otherwise, yous men lose interest!"

What? Okay, sure. At that place is some psychological something around wanting what you can't have, but dating is disruptive enough without having to play that game. Can't we just nosotros spare it?

Let's be existent.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "non hurt the other person'southward feelings," I'grand a proponent of kind, genuine honesty. If you'd like to keep dating someone, say so! If not, say so. Don't "ghost" the person (i.e. cease returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them endless excuses if they keep asking y'all out.

This goes for both men and women.

Now to be off-white, telling someone that you're non interested is much easier said than done. I do not envy women, as they're often the ones beingness pursued, and therefore the ones having to figure out how to let the guy down easy. I've been at that place earlier—pursued by women I'm not interested in—and letting them down is tough. I'grand ever tempted to just give excuses or draw information technology out until they "get the hint."

But that'southward not honest. It's not genuine. And you know what? It's non even kind. Ignoring or avoiding someone when they're conspicuously interested in you merely prolongs an uncomfortable situation for the both of y'all. Whatis the kind thing to do? Let them know you're not interested.

But how?

Recently, I had a woman text me after a first date and tell me she'd dear to do something once more sometime. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Aye, that would be fun!"

But honestly, I wasn't interested. She was smashing in and then many ways and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, but I had no intention of request her out over again. Nosotros but didn't click.

Subsequently giving it some thought, here's how I responded:

Give thanks y'all, and I definitely will. And while I had a peachy time this night (genuinely!), I'm not sure I really see things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know you a little meliorate—cheers for agreeing to go out!

Simple plenty, right?

She was cool about it. Here was her response:

I wasn't completely sure, only I had fun enough time talking that I had thought I would give it some other shot. I empathize though! Thanks over again!

Nosotros wrapped up with a little more pocket-sized talk and it ended positively.

Honestly, I only go along that response saved on my telephone now and tweak information technology to each situation so information technology's truthful and respectful. (Tacky? Maybe. I consider it efficient. It took me a long time to craft that response! Yous can utilize it, gratuitous of charge.)

Every time I respond in this way, I become a positive response, and both of u.s. are able to move on without the uncomfortable guessing, avoiding, or worrying. Every time a woman has responded to me in this way, the result is the same. I admire her even more than for having the maturity to exist directly, and am grateful to be able to movement on without any question.

Agree? Disagree? How practise you allow someone downwardly nicely? Postal service virtually it in the comments beneath.

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33 thoughts on "Non Interested in Dating Someone? Merely Say Then."

I wish women would accept your advice. Instead they somehow manage to think lying and stringing men forth is there easy way out? Shit gets then old.
That's a corking response! Totally copying it. My method is telling them "even though yous're prissy and expert looking, I only don't think we're a fit. (I used to say at that place was no chemistry but have heard that can come off as offensive — as if they aren't sexually attractive. XD
1. Hullo Jeanie,
  
  Right? And interesting insight on the "chemical science" slice—I hadn't thought of that, simply could run into how information technology could exist interpreted that way. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Concord x infinity!!! I dearest your response and copied it. I was recently abruptly permit become afterwards being strung along. False words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I'k non so much mad at him as I am at how he did it. I hate lies. Totally wasted my fourth dimension.
  1. Ugh, I'1000 so sorry. Dating is rough!
    1. I have a 76 year sometime human interested in me. I am 72. He knows my boyfriend died 1 year ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, simply I am just non interested.
      1. Hullo Pam,
        
        Non an like shooting fish in a barrel situation! My recommendation from the article nevertheless stands, though—being direct and honest is the *kindest* way to let him down.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with being upfront from start if at that place'southward no interest after trying to get to know someone. In my example, the guy chosen, texted, facetime; morning, noon, and some late nights for nearly one-wk one/ii. Immediately inquire me out after his BD wknd spent due west/son (?). Anyhow, post-obit his BD, he calls adjacent forenoon left msg. (excuse) for not calling later in day as promised, saying we would talk later. Later came, (8hrs) I txt to ask if he could talk. "not right now, I will band yous later". Never happened. Next day, no early morn call or text. I waited, text to make sure he's okay. "thx for request" was response, nothing more. Nor did he telephone call or txt later. I said, to myself, no worries. Tertiary twenty-four hour period after BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. afterward, "GM hru". I text later, "practiced", is everything alright westward/you lot. Hr later, "I'g ok, thx for request bs". I said enough is enough. I felt I was wasting my time, or being strung forth for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I but text: Glad you're okay. Merely asking, are you nevertheless interested in mtg for the wknd. Could be incorrect, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
    FYI: He told me he broke up w/his ex approx. 6-mo. prior to mtg me. I'thousand pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does non have nerve to permit me down piece of cake, and or wants his block /consume it besides.
    Thing about information technology I really liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that's no fun at all. Some other prime example of how existence tactful-yet-direct is the kindest thing we can do to those we interact with.
I've been upwards front and honest with men to the betoken where I've actually wound upwardly saying thanks only I'g not interested to which I'm then attacked by being chosen actually foul names. I'yard well-nigh too agape to even effort chatting with men ordinarily I'll say thank y'all for your interest but I'1000 just really not interested in going any further and then I'm attacked verbally. Possibly 1 or 2 out of the men I've said no cheers to have been absurd about it the others though "scary" doesn't come up close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'm down for anything which I'm not i just don't go why men get and so angry for no reason. I'm but another adult female in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
Equally a women, nosotros are often indirect about these things because of:
A) fears of male violence – nearly all women have been verbally abused by women for rejecting them (existence called a b**** or a w****, etc.). All women have heard of instances of women beingness threatened, physically abused or even killed for rejecting men. It'due south just not worth the risk
B) socialization – possibly because of A, women are socialized from a very young age to be dainty and not rock the gunkhole
I never show interest in women (even though I may be very interested) because no adult female has ever shown involvement in me. I've seen in several places that women normally initiate by giving hints to guys they like. Since I never get any hints from women, I don't bother.
I'1000 non interested in dating at all, but I do enjoy talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't respond to flirting, and I don't pb women on. My problem is they get upset because I won't ask them out. But I don't experience similar I need to give them a reason. No i is entitled to a appointment with anyone. Curt of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting pick), how can I foreclose them from becoming upset with me?
1. I totally sympathise John. I like my ain space and oft tell men that I bask company and socializing, but I don't wish for it to go any further. I find that being directly upwardly front stops people from expecting it to lead somewhere. I also make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their own feelings.
  1. Hi Niya,
    
    This is a great approach. Honest, direct, and boundaried. Well done.
    
    Michael
    1. Hi Michael,
      
      I recently just told the guy I've been dating for a few months that's I didn't feel the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the message via text was a criminal offence.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'm sorry you lot're in that situation—it's never piece of cake ending a human relationship. Without knowing the details of the situation, it's tough for me to comment in depth. I will say, though, that ending a relationship over text generally isn't advisable. My examples in this article pertain to situations where someone has expressed interest in dating, or maybe going out on a 2d date, non for times when you lot're already in a human relationship and wanting to intermission upwardly. And so my apologies if that was not clear. I'one thousand a big proponent of phone or in-person conversations for anything that is hard, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        So if you haven't done so already, you might consider calling him upward, validating the fact that breaking upwardly over text wasn't the best idea (eastward.g. "I'one thousand sorry for sending that text—that's not a great manner to share something like this…I wanted to exist sure I worded information technology well, but I realize now that information technology would take been more than advisable to call," or any feels right to you) so promise he is more than respectful during your chat in render.
        
        Simply if he lashes out or goes passive-aggressive on you, you do non need to sit down and take that. Information technology's entirely appropriate to say what y'all need to say, and then kindly wrap things up: "I'm just non feeling it. Thank you for the time we had together and I wish you the best."
        
        Again, my heart goes out to you—I sometimes feel it's harder being the one to stop a relationship than beingness on the receiving end. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. Hullo John,
  
  That is a tricky situation, to exist sure. You absolutely have every right to want to build friendships and not have them into the flirting or dating realm. Every bit to how all-time to communicate that to these women, that would differ from example to case. If y'all'd like to provide a specific example, I'd be happy to suggest some ways to arroyo it. In general, though, information technology will be of import to remember that while there are ways to tactfully approach the situation to increment their chances of understanding or respecting your boundaries, they still may nonetheless choose to take it personally or respond poorly. If they want y'all to inquire them out and find out you aren't interested, they're going to be disappointed. No mode around that. But we of course promise they're emotionally healthy plenty to not accept that out on you.
  
  Michael
Hello Michael,
Cheers for your mail. I bankrupt up with a man I dated a few months ago. He texts or emails me nigh every two months and the advice trouble withal hasn't resolved. When I finally chosen to propose we talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed then now he's then cold. We broke information technology off because we agreed we were exclusive and then ane day the a dating app popped upward aNd apparently he was still online. He felt horrible and I said I understand people make mistakes but I can't forget information technology. And so when I saw him once more he couldn't answer to what he wanted. I asked him again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I simply don't know what to practise. His texts are cold and doesn't fifty-fifty bother to ask how I am doing etc. please suggest on how I should answer. I don't like being treated this way if I didn't do anything wrong but honey him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a man. It's non just women who are socialized to be dainty, we all are. And while women might fright physical corruption, just think how much men fearfulness psychological abuse that ruins our reputation, our work, our lives, when nosotros reject some women. I'd much rather get a punch in the face up. What I have found works is that yous must reject them at that place and then at the end of the date before they get a sniff. Alternatively, if you lot are unsure then you lot say "I really don't encounter this going anywhere but I'one thousand open up to a second date." Doing information technology through text I would feel is more for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This then is evidence that you accept written it with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very nice guy for three months. The more I've gotten to know about him the more than I'm not certain this relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to phonation that he says how compatible he feels we are and happy he is about things. It'southward axiomatic that I'grand anxious and not so happy anymore. I've been feeling like is there something incorrect with me that I'g not comfortable anymore ? He's a practiced guy just lacking things I feel I personally need. We haven't spent much fourth dimension in person nonetheless. Is information technology dragging it out to await on that opportunity or is waiting just to peradventure break upward worse ? Thankyou for this post !
1. Howdy Anonymous,
  
  That's a tough one. I will say, there's nothing wrong with you for non being interested in someone. That'southward why we date—to see if a human relationship has staying power (and to encounter if nosotros're willing to put in the work required to make that relationship stay great, because I'm not aware of any relationship that just stays astonishing without work 😉 ). If you lot feel the relationship could do good from spending more time in person, and yous're willing to wait for that, great! Only if not, I would be careful to not let feelings of what y'all "should" or "shouldn't" do get in the way of what your centre tells you lot.
  
  Michael
Thanks! I'thou as well going to take to salve that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All good… Not going to waste matter my time and yours… Yous take care and good luck…" he also mentioned I should take told him sooner, but tbh I was still on the argue.
1. Hi Pamela,
  
  Nice work. And I'1000 happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thank you for sharing!
  1. Cheers for writing this article. I'm 52 and haven't dated in 35 years, and so this is all new. I have a big eye (probably why I'chiliad a teacher) and am ever worried most hurting feelings. Especially when they have expressed feelings for me. I even let it keep going thinking I will become more attracted to them somehow. Just then it simply gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to discussion things, went non interested. Your advice stood out! This dating thing is barbarous in my opinion.
    Thanks again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Hi DeAun,
      
      Give thanks you lot for your comment. And my lid's off to you lot for jumping back in; I'thou sure much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!
      
      Michael
I'thou 43. A 61 human told me that he likes me. We run across terminal year when I took my lawnmower in to be worked on and brought it back to him to piece of work on it this year. Problem is I'grand not physically attracted to him. We talked ii weeks agone on Dominicus in person, which was great, and so silence for two weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to be a good guy til the silent handling. I don't know what to practise. I feel like he was looking for a wife. Reason I'g proverb that is because I told him I felt like "matrimony is overrated", he'southward been married 3 times- me twice. I'm not looking to go married again.
1. Hi Anna, I'm sorry you've been on the receiving finish of the "ghosting." Not a fun or easy spot to be in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years dorsum, we went out, I had a good time and it turned in a one night stand (for me). Nosotros spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, just I really wasn't interested. Still, periodically he will run into a post of mine on social media and he will reach out, wanting to have sex again. He says, he "actually enjoyed the sexual practice, and would like to run across me and that he is not interested in a relationship". I take never taken him up on the offer, tho. Notwithstanding, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This time tho, he has been texting me for about a month, consistently and still only wants sex activity. I have told him that I am non interested in just that, I desire a relationship, (not necessarily with him though), thinking that would get him to go away, it didn't. He continues to text, good morning time, how are you, etc.. He'southward not a bad guy, I am just non into him.
    
    How practise I tell him to stop contacting me without existence harsh about it?
    1. Hi Anonymous,
      
      First off, kudos to you for holding your footing and addressing your needs. Equally to how to answer, it plainly depends on the recent conversation, what your human relationship looked like, etc. Merely in general, you might consider preparing a more terminal response for the next fourth dimension he reaches out. Then if he messages you lot again asking for sex, you might say, "No, thank you. Every bit I've mentioned before, I'm non interested in a casual human relationship. I enjoyed our fourth dimension together *and* I ask that you please non message me again. Give thanks you and I wish you all the best."
      
      Michael
Hi Michael – great article, only surprising from my perspective. It's been the other way around for me (I'm a 47 year sometime woman). I've been dating online pretty actively the last couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or and then men and accept chatted with more of course. In some instances it was clear to me that I did not want to date the guy, and I permit them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every single time. Only more than situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, but the guy did not stay engaged by continuing the conversation over text or setting up some other call or date. My read on the state of affairs has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, only want to keep my number in example something else doesn't work out. After near ane-2 weeks of sensing this, I transport a nice message similar to what yous suggest in a higher place and cut it off. Again, they take always responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't relish being in that gray area with men that I would consider dating again. I wish they would just tell me they're non interested. Or should I perhaps keep these doors open in case something does work out? I don't get emotional near these situations, simply I admittedly don't like the idea of the guy wanting to keep me around "just in example". Any advice?
1. Hi Suzanne,
  
  It sounds like the situation you've described is what I speak to in the article – how difficult it is being the one interested in someone, only getting mixed signals in return. They don't keep the conversations flowing, they are always "decorated" when y'all ask to practice something, etc. In those instances, I establish myself wishing the other person would simply tell me they weren't interested rather than leave me guessing. Candor is kind!
  
  Michael
I'1000 a woman and get this from men all the fourth dimension. Information technology's and so infuriating considering I am quite direct, ever in a polite style, and all I desire is to know where I stand with someone. Too many times I have had countless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged but never actually ask you out to meet. You tin't write them off yet merely it's a dissatisfying situation. So then I ask them out (this is normally at nigh the engagement #iii mark) and it'south a vague response that is ofttimes notwithstanding unclear. Honestly, why tin can't anyone only be upfront anymore. Particularly when nosotros're all communicating via messages these days anyway, how scary can it mayhap be to but say 'look, I had a great fourth dimension, it was lovely to meet you, only I just didn't feel the chemistry i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Just exist upfront as soon as possible. Life is too curt to exist stringing people along and sadly when you are on the receiving cease of this behavior over and over once more you lot become jaded and reluctant to become involved with anyone.